From the Stern

by Sherri Blifford

It's always been a column called "From the Helm" in the newsletter, usually written by the Commodore, but he was busy this month. Even as a "newbie" I knew there isn't a Helm on a canoe, so I don't get it. Dr. Phil says you get it or you don't. I don't. I think we got our signals mixed somewhere back there. If you'll allow me, the Newbie Journal will enter a new era as "From the Stern".
The world looks different from the stern. Responsibility is greater. Paddling can be harder. Your view is obstructed. Your serenity is invaded. In recent months, my adventures have moved me from the bow to the stern frequently, taking novices for a ride. Some of them more are worth mentioning because we can all learn from them.
My first was the "wiggle-waggle" type. Since this variety usually comes in extra large size, the wiggle makes the whole boat waggle. Not content to sit quietly, he has to wiggle and squirm, turning to talk. He refuses to fasten his PFD, which is just as well since, after the first mile, you want to replace it with a straight jacket and tie him down.
Then comes the Princess. She wears white linen and sandals, doesn't want to get her feet wet, or put forth any effort. She can't help carry the canoe. She can't paddle. Her fingers dangle like bananas but aren't as useful. She sits regally, waiting to be entertained. Heaven help us if a dragon fly comes her way. She gets hysterical, leans one way and another, screams and flaps her arms like a turkey. Forget the straight jacket. You want to tie her to the next low branch and leave her dangling there.
But they aren't as bad as the "Expert". He went to camp 40 years ago and knows all about canoes. Of course, from his build, you know he hasn't climbed out his recliner for about 20 years. He insists on paddling ferociously, yet can't find his "other left".
Tied with the Expert for most annoying is Chatty Cathy. She wants to talk non-stop. Will she ever come up for air? She turns around to talk. It would be less painful if she actually said something interesting. But, no, she just jabbers. Forget spirituality and communing with nature. Will somebody find the batteries and disconnect her? Please?
Then there's the critic. This one is so nasty he makes Rush Limbaugh look sweet and cuddly. He feels compelled to "teach" everyone else by shouting unsolicited advice at them. His buddy, the Exec, is too busy talking on her cell phone to notice the water or the irritated glances from the other paddlers.
With tandem partners like these, going solo keeps looking better.
Who are your favorites? Send them on to me.